Here I go translating shower thoughts into something more human-readable. The topic of finding love.
I’ve been single for 5 and a half years now. Do I miss being in a relationship? Of course I do. Do I enjoy being single? Indeed. I’ve never been the one to wear my heart of my sleeve as I’m always shielding and protecting myself from getting hurt over and over again. This brick wall I’ve built over several years is difficult to knockdown. My stubborn character and cold exterior are also to blame, the reasons why I’m a hard book to read.
Over the last few years, finding love hasn’t really been important to me as I’ve been focusing more on other aspects of my life. It’s taken more of a back seat role and will continue for the foreseeable future. There are many factors that had contributed to this but thought I’d pick out the two biggest contributors.
I’ve had my fair share of dating and relationships, both good and bad. Throughout 2019, I haven’t been on any dates, purely because I was put off by it. It’s become tedious now, thanks to the hookup culture and fuckboys. Hook up culture is now normalised, becoming the typical dating culture today. No, I don’t want unsolicited dick pics, talk dirty or about my personal sex life nor will I send nudes to random strangers. I do miss what I consider now old school dating – getting to know someone first, go on actual dates, checking the vibe etc.
It’s tiring to say the least.
Putting Yourself First
“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”Barbara De Angelis
I’ve always been a firm believer in loving myself first before I’m capable of loving someone else. For many years, putting myself first, above everyone else can be interpreted with a negative connotation, selfish to be exact. Whenever I had done this, guilt took over but needed to break out of this habit, changing the way I see it. The answer was to practice self-love. I need to be kind to myself, the same way I’m kind to others. Prioritising oneself will do good to one’s mental health and can help one become more productive and an even better person.
Self-love is something I’ve been trying to build for over a decade whilst battling a continuous, negative obsession with body image. It is known that you are your own worst critic and I’m highly guilty of this; fixating on every single flaw I have and setting high standards and goals. Beginning of this year, this habit has come to bite me harder on the ass, throwing me way off track. Sadly, worse than before, self-hatred and self-destruction had deepened. In recent months, I took it upon myself to put myself first, to focus on resolving my personal issues, to hopefully be set free once and for all.
Finding myself is more valuable than finding love.
So, No More Relationships?
Does this mean I’m ruling out relationships overall? Not really. I’m not the type who actively searches for someone nor am I desperate to be in a relationship. I do not believe in love at first sight, Mr Right, the one and all that jazz one single bit. I’m not sure what I believe in. Is love dead to me? What exactly is love?
I don’t know where I’m going to be in a years time, or the year after, the year after that etc. The future is unpredictable and my decisions regularly change course. For now, I can’t seem to fit love into my life and am glad there’s zero pressure on me. I’m in no hurry. It’s about me, myself and I.