When I was younger, I had the idea of wanting to be married and have kids around the age of 27. I wanted to be like my mum; it was like a life goal. Then things change as I had gotten older. I’m 26 and am no where near on the marriage front or having kids. Honestly, both scare the sh*t out of me. I’ve dreamt about both and have woken up panting, sweating and in tears. In reality, they were nightmares.
I’m at that age where friends are settling down, getting engaged, married and or having kids. I’m very happy for them, but in all honesty, I do envy them, thinking how they’ve got their life together, piecing it together. In today’s society, there’s that pressure of having your career path set in stone, finding that special someone etc by a certain age. In truth, it’s not how it works.
I’ve been in relationships from the age of 17-23. That’s 7 years straight in my early life and had missed out on a lot of things, turning down opportunities. Now that I have this freedom, I’m making up for lost time and I don’t want to lose it; I want to make the most out of it whilst I can. A few of my exes had mentioned they could see a future with me, settling down and I think this is where this fear had mainly stemmed from, having realised I can’t see this “future” they had spoke of. I’m the type who lives in the present and can’t see a future in general.
Also being independent has a major factor. Having lived away from home for years, it’s gotten past the point where I’ve become too self reliant that I don’t need anybody.
It’s worse in Chinese families. All of my relatives on my dad’s side are asking if I’ve got a boyfriend, telling me I should get married very soon as I’m getting old otherwise it’ll be too late etc. It’s an old school tradition. Two of my cousins had their spouses introduced to them by their own parents because of this. It’s technically not an arranged marriage. Thankfully, my parents and mum’s side aren’t traditional thinkers and let me do what I want, allowing me to control my own life.
Many females have their dream engagement ring, wedding, the perfect dress in mind etc whereas I don’t. I can’t imagine myself walking down the aisle in a white dress and I hate wearing white. I never grew up with disney princesses nor want that fairytale life.
Pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. If the convervation is about others, I’m fine with but if it’s about me getting pregnant or having kids, I just freak out. Mum laughed that she doesn’t want to be a grandma yet! It’s the body transformation and the actual birth that scares me. It’s also where I believe my life goes down hill from there, limiting what I can do. People may disagree with this but this is me.
I don’t really know what my intention was for this post, except to show you guys it’s OK to not be ready, to not follow what others are doing as well as to not feel pressured to fit in today’s society. Be in control. It’s your life, not others.
Here are more reasons I’m not ready:
I’m still young.
I want to prioritise my career first as I’m going though the transition for change.
I need to learn to love myself, to go find who I really am.
I want to travel and see the world more.
I prioritise family and friends over relationships.
I’ve got plans to get through first.
I’m being selfish and putting myself first.
I just don’t want to.
Have you ever been through or are you going through this phase?
哈喽！Nicol is a China based British blogger with a goal to visit all provinces in China, using this blog to document the good, the bad and the ugly of anything and everything. Currently visited 32/34.