I’m Not Ready

quote - If something is not happening for you, it doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen. It means you’re not ready for it.

When I was younger, I had the idea of wanting to be married and have kids around the age of 27. I wanted to be like my mum; it was like a life goal. Then things change as I had gotten older. I’m 26 and am no where near on the marriage front or having kids. Honestly, both scare the sh*t out of me. I’ve dreamt about both and have woken up panting, sweating and in tears. In reality, they were nightmares.

I’m at that age where friends are settling down, getting engaged, married and or having kids. I’m very happy for them, but in all honesty, I do envy them, thinking how they’ve got their life together, piecing it together. In today’s society, there’s that pressure of having your career path set in stone, finding that special someone etc by a certain age. In truth, it’s not how it works.

Settling Down
I’ve been in relationships from the age of 17-23. That’s 7 years straight in my early life and had missed out on a lot of things, turning down opportunities. Now that I have this freedom, I’m making up for lost time and I don’t want to lose it; I want to make the most out of it whilst I can. A few of my exes had mentioned they could see a future with me, settling down and I think this is where this fear had mainly stemmed from, having realised I can’t see this “future” they had spoke of. I’m the type who lives in the present and can’t see a future in general.

Also being independent has a major factor. Having lived away from home for years, it’s gotten past the point where I’ve become too self reliant that I don’t need anybody.

Marriage
It’s worse in Chinese families. All of my relatives on my dad’s side are asking if I’ve got a boyfriend, telling me I should get married very soon as I’m getting old otherwise it’ll be too late etc. It’s an old school tradition. Two of my cousins had their spouses introduced to them by their own parents because of this. It’s technically not an arranged marriage. Thankfully, my parents and mum’s side aren’t traditional thinkers and let me do what I want, allowing me to control my own life.

Many females have their dream engagement ring, wedding, the perfect dress in mind etc whereas I don’t. I can’t imagine myself walking down the aisle in a white dress and I hate wearing white. I never grew up with disney princesses nor want that fairytale life.

Pregnancy
Pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. If the convervation is about others, I’m fine with but if it’s about me getting pregnant or having kids, I just freak out. Mum laughed that she doesn’t want to be a grandma yet! It’s the body transformation and the actual birth that scares me. It’s also where I believe my life goes down hill from there, limiting what I can do. People may disagree with this but this is me.

I don’t really know what my intention was for this post, except to show you guys it’s OK to not be ready, to not follow what others are doing as well as to not feel pressured to fit in today’s society. Be in control. It’s your life, not others.

Here are more reasons I’m not ready:
I’m still young.
I want to prioritise my career first as I’m going though the transition for change.
I need to learn to love myself, to go find who I really am.
I want to travel and see the world more.
I prioritise family and friends over relationships.
I’ve got plans to get through first.
I’m being selfish and putting myself first.
I just don’t want to.

Have you ever been through or are you going through this phase?

21 Comments

  1. 29th June 2017 / 10:07 am

    What a great post and one I think a lot of people should read. It is important to be yourself and do what you want to do and not feel pressured into doing something. You will know when the time is right for whatever you choose x

  2. 29th June 2017 / 10:39 am

    I love this post so much, I’m 29 and starting to get my life on track. I’m not married, I don’t own my home and I am okay with that now x

  3. 29th June 2017 / 3:14 pm

    I’m 31 and only just starting think my life is going in any sort of the right way, I always thought I would be settled down by now, with kids etc but it didn’t happen. I still don’t think I’m ready for it all yet.

  4. Jen
    29th June 2017 / 6:55 pm

    All too common to feel that way. Family, and even friends can have all these expectations of you that just aren’t what you want. Sometimes you feel like you want it, then realise it isn’t for you. It is never too late to make changes. I’m 44, and made some massive changes in my life, because at the time it simply wasn’t right. Never looked back. Your life, you make it what it is.

  5. Kassidy
    29th June 2017 / 9:01 pm

    You are definitely not being selfish by putting yourself first in regards to marriage and pregnancy! Both of those things affect your life forever, and for you to not be tied in any of those right now and wanting to live your life as you wish is not selfish at all, love ♥

  6. 29th June 2017 / 9:19 pm

    This is such great post, Pregnancy is one of my biggest fears also 🙂 x

  7. Ali Rost
    30th June 2017 / 6:29 am

    I’ve learned that having plans is great, but I have to be flexible because life often other has other directions it wants me to go. Of course it’s ok to not be ready .. it’s ok to follow whatever path life leads your down. Marriage + kids are great for some people .. for other people, not so much. Follow your gut .. it will never lead you astray. x

  8. 30th June 2017 / 9:02 am

    You do you girl, totally understand the pressure in Asian families especially! You sound like you have your priorities straight so keep living the life you want!

    Vivian | LIVE . IN . LOVE
    IG | @VIVIYUNN_

    ~

  9. 30th June 2017 / 10:05 am

    I have been through this and still am to an extent. The past 3 generations of my family were all 25 when they had their first child and I always thought when I was younger that would be me but I realized I was the first in my family to go to uni so that took away 3 years of time. I’m with someone now and I am very happy but I still don’t feel ready for marriage and definitely not kids, I’m not even sure I want them. We all have to do things which are right for us and not just right for everyone around us (especially family) x

  10. 30th June 2017 / 10:31 am

    im a mum of 8 and i feel im still not ready most days , i had my first when i was 20 and im now 33 x

  11. 30th June 2017 / 11:35 am

    I loved your post. I believe what is not in your hands, don’t concentrate hard on it’s happening. Just do what you can do and work for that. The rest will happen when the time is right 🙂 I am married for ten years and I still don’t have any kids. My goal was to have kids no late than thirty. But this is not how things work.

  12. 30th June 2017 / 9:48 pm

    Life is like a river it will carve it’s own path. You will work it out and it doens’t need to follow a set format we thought when we were younger. It doesn’t help when friends and family keep asking. I;ve always know marriage and kids are not for me and I refuse to even discus it when family ask, i just change the subject. It’s your life and they don’t need to know.

    You’re young and have plenty of time for all the things you thought should happen still to happen x

  13. 1st July 2017 / 9:35 am

    I think a lot of people think like this at one time or another in their life. It’s a journey! It’s not selfish to put yourself first, as you said, it’s your life 🙂

  14. 1st July 2017 / 12:38 pm

    I think you should be able to have the freedom to do whatever you want but I do know what you mean. My background is Portuguese and they are quite traditional so they are always asking me when I am going to find someone lol. I mean I am only 23 and like you I am not ready. What will be will be x

  15. 2nd July 2017 / 7:14 pm

    I am from an african family so I can totally relate to people within your family talking about it being too late etc.
    I will be 30 in 4 days and happy the way i am, yes I would have loved to be married and have kids by now but it didnt work out that way for me and thats ok. I have been traveling, doing my MSc and also focusing on my career too.
    I believe it’s not yet my time

  16. 2nd July 2017 / 9:02 pm

    I’m in this phase and have no regrets. I’m so much happier living in the moment and enjoying my freedom x

  17. brook clifton
    2nd July 2017 / 9:16 pm

    What a good written and I love to read more about this. I feel the pressure with you and every girl dreamed of having a beautiful wedding

  18. 2nd July 2017 / 9:33 pm

    You know what I never dreamt of those things and wasn’t bothered until the time was right.
    When you find the right person, you won’t fear taking those steps when the time is right.

  19. 3rd July 2017 / 1:06 pm

    When I was younger I said I never wanted kids, but now I have two and I absolutely adore them (even though they were both VERY unexpected). And I’ve always said I’d never get married, but hey, you never know! 🙂

    Louise x

  20. 3rd July 2017 / 2:54 pm

    Great post! I have always been a bit of a type A personality, so I had my little life path set out … or so I thought. It didn’t pan out that way and each milestone that I had set was crossed very differently. I ended up meeting my other half at 27, am not technically married, and haven’t had a birth child of my own. Things have panned out so different to what I expected, and I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. It can be difficult when family seems to be shaming you all because of a sense of tradition. I am Mexican-American and my Mexican culture made me feel as though being in my mid 20’s and single was a sin! It’s all about valuing yourself and your life and doing what feels right for you. When you are ready, you will know. xx

  21. 15th July 2017 / 3:51 am

    Nicol, I’m engaged but I certainly am not ready for kids(or pregnancy, for that matter), but it seems that we in Chinese families face this sort of pressure from all sides :p. I did have the same thoughts that I wanted to be married by 26, but I still have a couple more years to sort out life before I take the big leap! That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong in putting yourself first. Good luck!

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