Confessions of a Girl Obsessed with Body Image

01 March 2016



EMOTIONALLY & PHYSICALLY

I've been obsessed with body image and my weight since I was 13, and now I'm nearly 25, it's been a long journey which I'm still constantly battling with. It does affect friendships and relationships with the constant negative mind frame. I don't see what they see. I'm not sure if I ever will. People won't understand how this affects me mentally especially since it's been 10+ years. It's like it's been drilled into me, it's been that long.

I thought it'd be a great insight to share some of my experience and the thoughts I've had and or currently still having, whether you may or may not relate to any of it. In the end, it is a form of disorder and there are others who are going through this same thing too. These are my confessions.

Constantly weighing myself had become an obsession. From the age of 13 till 18, I would stand on the scales everyday and as many times a day. I had to make sure that I was 44kg or under. Anything higher, I would go to the extremes until I get back to 44kg or under. I didn't have scales during university but whenever I did go food shopping, I would pop into the bathroom section and weigh myself there. Even now, I'm still trying to weigh myself as much as I can with the thought of still wanting to be under a certain weight and having a waist below a certain inch.

Compliments make me uncomfortable and people can see that. I've learnt to not shut the compliment down completely and only reply with an uncomfortable "really?" or pretend I've never heard it. One would say I'm little, another would say I've got a nice stomach etc. I don't believe anything people would say about me. My negative thoughts would take over.

I would compare myself to my friends and even my family took a big toll on me. They had the typical small-framed body, a UK size 4/6; whereas I was broad, athletic and a size 8/10 and felt like a hippo standing next to them. Of course I was jealous. I would look at the thinner people in the streets and would envy them. Pictures of celebrities, bloggers and the media had a big influence. When people point out that a certain person is too thin, it's my ideal look. In this day and age, appearance is everything.

Being compared to other girls is like being stabbed in the back. This has happened in my relationships and it screwed me over so much. This is where relationships start to breakdown; everything they say becomes a lie and the arguments starts. It's the same when they comment on other women yet nothing positive about me. For future relationships, it feels like I'm never going to be good enough for them. Even the tiniest thing will just put me down.

People commenting on how small my chest or bum in joking way does affect me. Even with people I know or close with, I feel down about the comment but I always put up a fake front, pretending to laugh it off or whatever the right response would be without them suspecting anything is wrong. At the same time, I do feel the need to explain myself - baggy clothes, sports bra, etc.

"Bones are beautiful" would be a thought I constantly had whilst growing up. This was one disturbing thought I would have. I had even considered surgery, liposuction, anything to get me out of my skin. I loved it when people would call me skinny even though I'd never believe it. I even did say to people that I hated myself, every little bit of me. I still hate everything about me.

Constantly trying out extreme diets after stumbling upon them and reading other peoples results in the hope I would get the same results. In the end, I would feel weak and grumpy and move on to the next one when I had given up. There are times where I would starve myself. Since 2016 had started, I've moved away from this to get my eating sorted properly.

I'd cry or have mental breakdowns about my body image. Cry myself to sleep. It happens too often. I just don't tell anyone about it. Most people have heard me complain about it and it felt like they are sick of hearing it so it lead to keeping it to myself as it was a very common occurrence. I'd cry over looking broad and fat in certain clothing or even a certain size in certain shops that doesn't fit me.

I would be fake in front of people. I would fake being confident or rely on alcohol for it when I'm out with friends. When I have one of those days, I would act like nothing was wrong.

People do say that I don't need to be like this but what they don't know is the years of struggle that still eats me up to this very day. It is all mentally tiring with all of the emotional self abuse and is a disorder that cannot be overcome overnight. I do hope that I will overcome it one day, even if it takes another 10 years.

Image credits: Dear Kate;

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39 comments

  1. I think it's hard but you should concentrate on parts of body you do like and not worry about the other parts . We can't all have perfect bodies we desire. Beauty comes from the soul and within.

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  2. I find that accepting ourselves for who we are is really hard with the pressure from the media xxx

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  3. This speaks to me and probably so many others, we should strive for encouragement and healthy body images. thanks for sharing~

    Vivian | LIVE . IN . LOVE

    ~

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  4. Wow I can't believe your insecurities considering that you look amazing! Voicing these confessions and thoughts is such a great step though. x

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  5. My blog focuses a lot on positive body image, but it's something I still struggle with and I think I always will. I just focus on the things I love.

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  6. Such an honest post. I hate the way I look and tend not to look in the mirror.

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  7. What an honest and from the heart post, learning to accept who we are is very hard. I truly didn't feel happy with who I was until I turned 40, when you suddenly think this is me I don't care what people think.

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  8. I don't think there is any perfect size. Women are all beautiful weather they are thin, fat or in between.

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  9. It's so hard to avoid comparison with all of the ads and images on TV and online. Stay strong!

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  10. Such an honest post. It is so hard to not compare ourselves, isn't it?

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  11. Aw hunny you are beautiful the way you are but yes I do know what you mean. Size 8/10 is not big in fact I wish I was bigger, being called anorexic or skinny I dislike it because it makes me feel like s**t and it just goes to show how powerful the media can be. They condemn us if we are too slim but slate us if we are curvy. We can't win x

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  12. First impression is still important when it comes to look, isn't it? can't help not to compare~

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  13. This is so honest. I think we are all guilty of making comparisons. True to focus on the parts of yourself you do like!

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  14. Such an honest post. I honestly don't think anyone (not just women) will ever be 100% happy with their bodies completely.

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  15. There is just so so much pressure on us as women about body image, I totally get this post. The mental torture about worrying about how we look all the time is exhausting, it's hard to get to a polace of being comfortable with who you are. x

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  16. It's not easy. There's so much pressure on women to look a certain way. Have you ever talked to a professional about your thoughts? Perhaps they might be able to offer ways to help you change your perspective. Sending lots of positive beautiful thoughts your way.

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  17. You definitely look fine. It's a struggle and your part and i wish you take it easy soon.

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  18. Trying to be positive about your body is a full time job when faced with a society that makes you feel never good enough. Taking the power back and loving yourself for who you are and your body for all the things it does for you is a process and it takes time. I really hope you can work through the negative and see yourself as the absolute stunner you are!! xx

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  19. This is something I have struggled with for years until recently. I have finally become happy in my own body. Keep going, I am sure you will get there!

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  20. I have been an anorexic for as long as I can remember so this post I can sure relate to in many ways

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  21. I struggle with body image, haven't been happy in my own skin since I was about 15! I feel you on this post

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  22. There's quote I really like which goes something like "'Fat' and 'skinny' are nothing but body type descriptions. It's society that's attached negativity to these words."

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  23. You are right nobody should bother what others say, have confidence in what ever you have.
    GlamupGirls

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  24. i think it's important to be happy with our body and not bother what other think so much...

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  25. Thank you for sharing your own story! It is hard to not compare your own body with others, but it is a lesson to learn. =)

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  26. hugs! it's hard, but i'm so glad you're working to get yourself out of it. i think it's perfectly normal to want to look good, though. We just have to redefine the word 'good'. :)

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  27. this is such a deep message for all woman in this world.
    dont be shame about yourself, be proud instead :)

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  28. *HUGS* first off babe, I know how hard it is to want someone else's body. I've been in your shoes but once I shed that habit I was a much happier person. Just redefine the word 'good' in your own words. x

    GIG Love,
    Siew Hui

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  29. This is such a personal post. Thank you for sharing this because as girls, women we feel like it only us as an individual that feels this way, when in fact we all looking at the next person as perfection when they feel just as much the same. I'm on a weightloss journey but I'm learning that I have to this in a way that is healthy for my body, spirit and mind. I have to proud of who I am now and who I am becoming with every given stage of progress.

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  30. Its so important to be happy with what you've and you are. You've shared sucha deep message.

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  31. I get what you mean, I've been teased for my height all my life and now that I've turned a blogger, I have had other bloggers tell me that I'm too plus size to be a blogger, although I don't let it show on my face, it does affect me a little. I'm coping from it still. I wish the same for you too.

    - GIG Love - Chai - Style a pastiche

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  32. I was never been concerned about my weight because I use to be thin and my mother always use to say this or that. But at this stage I started gaining weight mostly because I'm too much into food! That makes me concern sometimes yet again! I don't mind all this after all it's our body and we can be anything 😅

    much love... GreenStory

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  33. I still have a tough time dealing with my weight but I have learnt to believe that each and everyone is beautiful the way they are made :)

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  34. I sometimes had a problem with this too because my boyfriend likes girls with more fats than I do :'))))) hmmm
    Well but I agree with the concept that we have to believe and more focus instead to people who can see our worth :D

    VISIT MY BLOG❤

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  35. This is a tough subject and I applaud you for being honest and sharing how you feel openly. I just want to say that I think you are beautiful, inside and out. And if the people around you can't appreciate who you truly are and focus on the physical aspect instead, then they clearly are not worth your time, friendship or love. Over the years I've learned that whatever you do, you do it for yourself. You do it because you want to be healthy, look good and feel confident because that brings you happiness. Put yourself in the center and focus on you. Yes it can be hard and it's easier said than done but acceptance is the start to being truly happy about yourself.

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  36. I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I don't wanna comment on something that I'm not expert of but and I agree with Donah above.. Please listen to this instead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ0474w66uw

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  37. i think the perfect body shape is being proportionate and most importantly! being in the healthy BMI range, so long u are in the good range, i dont see why u need to care what others say!
    http://popiahc.blogspot.com

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  38. So glad you opened up about it, the first step to helping you overcome it! ^__^ Even if you feel awkward about my compliment, in my opinion your body is perfect the way it is and its my ideal body. Weight is just number~ ^^ Good luck with overcoming it one day <3
    Michelle | MishCheungX

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  39. I am so surprised that a girl who is the 'perfect' size still feels she should be smaller. This was a very sad and honest post.

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